No, Yes; Maybe

[salixj]

Remember learning that lovely word, NO as a child? Probably not, though if you have younger siblings or children you know the word no very well. You have seen it in action, and if you are new to parenting you may very well find yourself confused: but my child loves to go to the park. Why is my child saying no? And why is my child now crying because we didn't go?

No is powerful. Yes is an agreement to something else someone else wants, no? Is a word of separation.

And it is an important word for a child to learn. NO! Independence here I come! 

Of course in healthy parenting there are ways around that no, and sometimes there is no acceptance of that word. Sorry hon, this is a must.

We have a lot of those that come our way in life, through the rest of our life. Sometimes we haven't a choice in the matter, and sometimes we might have a choice but expressing it and taking that choice means heavy consequences, like loss of a job.

Part of adulthood is learning when to say yes, when to say no and how to say it. It is also knowing when that dichotomy goes into effect and when there are other choices, when we can say something between yes and no. A qualified yes or a qualified no.

Your journal can be a great place to negotiate a good answer, and also help you develop strategies to prevent your being pressured into giving a quick yes or no without the opportunity to review the cost/benefits of either answer. You can also develop ways of running through the cost/benefits if in fact a yes/no is necessary NOW.

Return to the past and write about a time that you felt pressured into a YES and you have now come to regret that decision. Who do you feel forced you into the decision? Why did you feel pressured? What were your fears or concerns? What would you have liked to answer?

Write the scene as if it were happening today, and give the answer you wish you had given, whether it was a definite no, or a qualified no. Imagine the other person's response and develop a mantra response to them regarding your no if you imagine them continually pressuring you, whether it is definite or qualified no.

A mantra is a repeated response, though not necessarily those exact words. "I don't wish to do X." "I do think X is nice, but that is something I don't want to do today." "Yes, I do like being with you. But I'm not in the mood to do X." "Thank you, but that isn't something I wish to do today."

Note: Sometimes it is fine to concede to something you don't want to do in order to achieve a greater good, for example, going with friends to some place special because it is someone else's birthday and a place they enjoy. I'm speaking here of conceding when the value to you is a negative.